Building Connection with your Partner: Through the Concept of ‘Turning Towards’

Reflection thoughts from: “The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy” Written by: John Gottman and Julie Schwartz -Gottman

Our inner narratives can get in our way of truly loving and receiving love. Unpacking that narrative to truly see what the negative and positive cognitions you are holding, is so important within this process towards understanding (and ultimately healing). Some cognitions you might want to check in on are do you feel: You are you worthy of love? Worthy of self-love? Deserving of love? Good enough?

We are geared for connection as humans; and we need to invest into connections for them to be successful. This reflection work of our romantic relationships will give us the answers of how much we have invested into them, how much more is needed, and what we need (tools, support, etc) to accomplish the work towards a successful connection.

In partnerships we often can get stuck on talking about time (“there is no time,” “I don’t know where to schedule in the time,” etc). ——Time isn’t this pressure filled reality we believe it to be. We don’t need to be spending 20 plus hours together a week, or any set amount for that matter, with our partners——small moments are the most valuable. The concept of “Turning towards” (as described within the Gottman’s work) can take a few seconds to validated and make our partners feel seen, heard, and valued. Examples of this are: when your partner starts a conversation by asking a question or making a comment, physically turn towards them and lean into it. Give them a response, answer the question fully, ask if they got the information they required, validate their comment. Simple moments equal connection.

If we become aware of the opportunities for connection with our partners and then build habits with them, once we master these two very key concepts we assure that our partners are feeling seen, heard, and valued.