As we approach the holiday season it’s important to take a stock of your needs to ensure you’re setting yourself up for success and an enjoyable time during what can be a very stressful time.
Things to consider:
1. How can you take a break from the social time if/when needing?
2. What mindset are you going into the events with? Can you give yourself time prior to mediate, move your body, journal, etc.? This can help shift your expectations going in.
3. What boundaries do you need to set ahead of time? What expectations have you set with yourself or others?
4. What events do you need to say No too?
5. Are there added concerns that substances will contribute to this event? Do I need to reduce my use to help protect my needs? *Something to consider—- if you “need” to be intoxicated to be present, is this a safe event for you?

Was reminded of a beautiful, yet heart breaking grief thought process this week. When we have had a major loss we often had the pleasure to know them their whole life, yet we grieve so much for having to exist without them knowing us as we continue to age.

It’s such helpful context to remind ourselves that both these realties are true and have different emotions that are important to validate.

We often look to time removed from the loss and place a judgement on that time. “I shouldn’t be impacted by this in this way anymore, I shouldn’t still be crying, I shouldn’t be this mad anymore, I should have learned to accept this….” The ‘shouldn’ts’ and ‘shoulds’ take away from the processing, healing, and the grief itself.

Two things I can say for certain when it comes to grief are: 1. There is no right way of grieving (as long as I am not avoiding it completely or numbing it out completely). 2. If you’re having an emotional state related to grief—— it’s the RIGHT one that is needed.

If you find yourself judging someone else’s grief—- know that you have a privilege within that judgement: you’re not experiencing their pain and loss. Push yourself in your discomfort and judgement and get curious and ask safe questions to increase your understanding of this person, and/or give space. Your judgement is not theirs to fix (it’s yours).

Important for us to validate our certain circumstance regardless of how ‘uncomfortable-painful’ or ‘comfortable-joyful’ that specific moment brings. Emotions help us to adapt to the world surrounding us, and how we process what is certainly going on (externally or internally).

Validation isn’t looking to fix the circumstance. It’s to help us understand how we are feeling which is needed in this moment. Getting curious about the emotion is a helpful first approach. Curiosity develops connection. Judgment develops disconnection.

Giving ourselves a narrative “this is hard, this isn’t supposed to be easy, this is exciting and uneasy, etc” allows us to understand the emotion in a functional way.

Sunshine! 🌞 Comes with many benefits that protect us both mentally and physically.

Mentally: provides us increase in energy, increase in ability to step into motivation, boosts your mood (through the natural increase to serotonin), increases your ability to regulate (and stabilize emotions, increases a prolong state of calm, and increase to focus). Provides stabilization properties to several mental health diagnosis’. Increases alertness. Increases a persons ability to connect with others.

Physically: lowers blood pressure, heals inflammation, prevents some risk factors to certain cancers (important to note while using the protective qualities of sunscreen and shade). Also promotes increase to sleep. Boosts immune system. Helps wounds heal. Helps relieve pain (not a direct relief with chronic pain).

The natural state of sunshine does so much for us as humans. It’s important to give ourselves permission to get more of what we need.

Things to consider throughout this season before it passes us by:
-How can I obtain sunshine/sunlight first thing in the morning? How can I develop this into my morning routine?
-How can I ensure I get outdoors daily?
-Can I take anytime off this summer to ensure I give myself additional time outdoors?
-How can I make time for connection with others while outdoors?

Learning some effective ways to readdress how we look at and interact with conflict. Conflict is not an enjoyable human interaction for us. But it is something we need to learn how to interact with, communication effectively within it, and grow our capacity towards security and safety within it.

Its important to first look at the ways we currently cycle through conflict and the loops we can fall into. Often a mindset we lean into is hyper-critical, defensiveness, trying to be heard at their expense (sometimes trying to win the argument), and not focusing on how to hear the other person.

Let’s start there. Setting our ego aside, and genuinely trying to hear and understand the other person. Before we can often be successful in this, we need to refocus our minds to find connection points (especially with our partners) of looking for ways they are showing up for you and trying to connect with you (Successes and Bids for Connections, Gottman’s). Once we establish connection, we can create very effective conflict where we are open minded, looking to understand, and are heard and valued.

In connection we set down our shields of defensiveness and hyper-critical focuses. While looking to be heard and hear them. Turning our shields into possibilities.

At times in all relationships, we need to confront and address uncomfortable topics. It’s often very challenging to know how to approach it and what to say. Leading people to avoid it all together and patterns of behaviour and cycles develop and continue. These patterns/cycles are preventable.

It’s important to first validate that challenging conversations are not easy, they’re uncomfortable and we are often worried about doing it right. Give ourselves that understanding.

Then it can be very helpful to write out our thoughts, feelings, and examples of what we’re wanting to address. This gives you time to process what the problems or concerns you’re having truly are. **Its often not the one time of a partner/or roommate leaving the dishes in the sink for too long. Its likely the feeling of being unseen, unheard, or not valued. This writing out process allows you to get to the root of the emotion.

From here to would be inviting the person to have a conversation, things to consider:
1. Should I ask ahead of time to have the conversation giving the other person some time to prepare for this?
2. Can I set the stage for the conversation by asking to read out your processed thoughts first before they reply, and the full dialogue can start?
3. Any rules needed to be set for the conversation?
4. Any expectations you have that need to be addressed by yourself first?
5. How can you make your intentions of the conversation known upfront?

Grief is a type of learning. We process new information, and develop new neuro-pathways.

The reality that we accept in life is often our learning is never ending we continue to grow and evolve. The exact same thing needs to be accepted for grief. Be gentle with ourselves and our loved ones the same way we would try to be with a child learning to tie their shoes for the first time, or spell their name.

Inspired by the work of: Mary Frances O’Connor —- The Grieving Brain

Give yourself permission to share your expectations with those you are spending the Christmas and Holiday Season with. Having vulnerable conversations create such a depth of safety. Ponder these question and picture how you could raise them with your important people.

Do we need to give gifts? Is there value in gift giving for us this year? What monetary value are we putting towards it?

How do you feel most seen, heard, and valued this season?

What amount of time are you able to give each relationship this season?

By having these conversations, we set ourselves up for success. We give ourselves the language of being enough— ultimately developing the sense of ‘enoughness’

Whether that’s setting boundaries, limits, or voicing your concern, your voice is a powerful source of action. The realities of using our voices that often isn’t seen as a strength is silence. Try to challenge yourself to notice the moments you are stepping into silence (as this is an action, it’s a choice) and question:
Why am I choosing this response?
What message does this silence send?
What are my true intentions with my silence?

When you have experienced sufficient grief a common saying is “give it time, time heals all wounds.” This saying often leaves individuals feeling dismissed, not understood, and hurt.

Time only moves forward. The reflection of the pain, the hurt, and of the absence is important in pulling the meaning of the loss. The meaning in the life they lived (or the role that was, etc); depending on the type of grief you’re faced with a different focus.

Time is nothing but a measurement of space between two points. Grief doesn’t get smaller in that. Grief’s focus can switch many times, it can get heavier and lighter to carry, it can be more confusing and more understanding can be pulled. The idea grief goes away—- is damaging to those that have dealt with sufficient grief in their lives!

Understanding that when you’re wanting to show up in someone else’s grief story. Showing up and saying less is often more supportive than saying “give it time, you’ll heal soon”. Just show up and witness their pain. Being present.