One of the aspects of the experience of codependency is connected to the attempts of trying to gain control over something (or the entire relationship) as it feels unhealthy, and up to you to “fix it.” It becomes the narrative “if they’d just listen to me, if they’d just get help, etc.” the idea of everything would be better comes to the forefront. This aspect often starts from a place of trying to show love and fix the circumstances. That is however a false narrative.

Melody Beattie in her book ‘Codependent No More’ says it beautifully: “We cannot change people. Any attempts to control them are a delusion as well as an illusion.”

The places where control is being attempted in the relationship, are the areas you are feeling most out of control. Those are the areas where boundaries are needed to be set.

It starts with dealing with your emotions, including your fear of losing control. This will allow you to tap into your control over your self. You set the other person free to be the person they are showing you that they are and letting yourself become the person you are trying to be through them.

Often a helpful first step in the processing work is writing it all out. This opens your perspective and starts pulling you into your logic—processing mind. Why are you feeling out of control? When were you last feeling in control of your own circumstance? What would it look like to not control the next event with your partner? How can you establish safety in this?